’s post on the varied experiences of empathy, I was hoping we could explore the thing that gave me quite a gut punch: the idea that we extend much more empathy (or sympathy or compassion or whatever term you’d like to use) to others than we do to ourselves. I know personally I’m the kind of person who holds myself up to often impossibly high expectations while extending a great deal of leeway to others. I do much more for others than I do for myself, and I still beat myself up because I don’t feel like I’m doing enough. Leave a comment below; we’d love to hear what others think of this, and how you’ve made the shift to giving yourself the same care you’d extend to others.
The little story in my head that makes it harder to focus on yourself is that it feels like being selfish. There's this fine line between being of service to others and taking care of yourself. I have several people in mind in my life who I've seen, how being servishly of service to others, have burned out and/or become bitter about life. From my angle, it's not only about taking care of oneself, but knowing WHO we are taking care of. In other words, if one is more aware about oneself and is prepared to spend the time on oneself, the healthier one becomes. Taking care of yourself involves leaning into self-awareness.
Woof, this is big for me. I wish it didn't have to be this way, but sometimes I have to view myself through the lens of a good friend/parent/etc. in order to extend myself empathy.
One of the great challenges I have living in a busy and lively city is that there’s ALWAYS somebody who’s in town / has a birthday / I haven’t seen in a while / is going through a rough patch / wants simply to get out of the house and have a chat. Often times I end up scheduling various engagements less because I want to than because of the unconscious desire to please or “be there for somebody.” But of course it’s impossible to be present and helpful to others when I forget about being present for myself. It’s a never ending tale, but I do find it goes in cycles, and resets during the seasons, and I’m becoming more attuned to saving my energy for myself when I need it, so I can better share it when it feels natural.
It feels like it’s easier to see the good underneath the psychological difficulties in others than in myself. Not sure why that is, but maybe cuz I hold myself to such high standards
Sorry for the late jump in here. I often wonder how much of this comes from having parents with high standards. I worry that I communicate some of this - the other side of the self-flattering coin of "high standards" is - judgmentalism to my child and that's not good. I find she's very hard on herself too and sometimes I feel she cannot hear praise, or too easily brushes it off. It does make me wonder how much of that is driven by her inborn personality (trait of conscientiousness) and how much of it's because I'm modeling that behavior? I guess the issue with being too hard on ourselves - while (and perhaps because) it sounds almost noble keeps us trapped - includes the collateral damage it may be visiting on others... Another reason to fight this trap.
The little story in my head that makes it harder to focus on yourself is that it feels like being selfish. There's this fine line between being of service to others and taking care of yourself. I have several people in mind in my life who I've seen, how being servishly of service to others, have burned out and/or become bitter about life. From my angle, it's not only about taking care of oneself, but knowing WHO we are taking care of. In other words, if one is more aware about oneself and is prepared to spend the time on oneself, the healthier one becomes. Taking care of yourself involves leaning into self-awareness.
Woof, this is big for me. I wish it didn't have to be this way, but sometimes I have to view myself through the lens of a good friend/parent/etc. in order to extend myself empathy.
One of the great challenges I have living in a busy and lively city is that there’s ALWAYS somebody who’s in town / has a birthday / I haven’t seen in a while / is going through a rough patch / wants simply to get out of the house and have a chat. Often times I end up scheduling various engagements less because I want to than because of the unconscious desire to please or “be there for somebody.” But of course it’s impossible to be present and helpful to others when I forget about being present for myself. It’s a never ending tale, but I do find it goes in cycles, and resets during the seasons, and I’m becoming more attuned to saving my energy for myself when I need it, so I can better share it when it feels natural.
It feels like it’s easier to see the good underneath the psychological difficulties in others than in myself. Not sure why that is, but maybe cuz I hold myself to such high standards
Sorry for the late jump in here. I often wonder how much of this comes from having parents with high standards. I worry that I communicate some of this - the other side of the self-flattering coin of "high standards" is - judgmentalism to my child and that's not good. I find she's very hard on herself too and sometimes I feel she cannot hear praise, or too easily brushes it off. It does make me wonder how much of that is driven by her inborn personality (trait of conscientiousness) and how much of it's because I'm modeling that behavior? I guess the issue with being too hard on ourselves - while (and perhaps because) it sounds almost noble keeps us trapped - includes the collateral damage it may be visiting on others... Another reason to fight this trap.